The Ex Files

Carrie: “Later that night I got to thinking about the x-factor. In mathematics, we learn that x stands for the unknown, a+b=x, but what’s really unknown is what plus what equals friendship with an x. Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn’t help but wonder… can you be friends with an x?”

Well I’ve been wondering that myself. My girlfriend and I have found ourselves in similar positions lately (and I’m not talking in the bedroom). We have both been seeing our ex-boyfriends. Ok, straight away you all start jumping up and down saying “are you stupid, you broke up for a reason, what are you thinking?” Actually I’ve been thinking a lot. On one hand your thinking maybe they’ve changed, after all they are calling you. You have been out together and they tell you they miss you. It’s irresistible. Of course you had an emotional connection with them before so it’s easy to believe it can work again or at least be friends. But you have to ask yourself, is it because you like the attention, or because it’s better than nothing? Is it purely a physical thing, mainly about sex? Is it because you’re scared to be alone, or it’s just too hard to let go?
I believe most men, and I stress “most”, will not change. When it’s comes to cheating, if he cheated on you then how do you know he won’t do it again? This happened to my above girlfriend, she say’s ‘you never trust them again, it’s always in the back of your mind every time he steps out the door without you.” There is no way a relationship like that can survive. My dating bible, “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt quotes, “cheating is cheating, it doesn’t matter whom it was with or how many times it happened.” In other words there is no acceptable excuse, cheating is a betrayal of trust. It is not done “accidentally”, nor is it your fault. Basically “if he’s having sex with someone else, he’s just not that into you”. And no, you can’t be friends, and no, you certainly can’t have ex sex!

So what about the boyfriend who broke your heart. You thought he was the one, problem is he didn’t. It is hard to let go, deep down you hope he will call and say he wants you back, that he made a mistake. Or he says that you can still be friends. What you have to remember is that there is a reason you broke up in the first place. In your mind you forget all the bad things, you almost glorify your ex. “It’s Called a Break up because it’s Broken” says, “as much as it sucks, you need to force yourself to remember your worst times together, his most irritating habits, and the hard truth that not only can he live without you, but that he’d rather.” Ouch! So true, when you think about it you remember things, like the fact that he didn’t come to your birthday because he was hungover, he only wanted to see you maximum of twice a week and you really only liked him when he drunk anyway. Or that you actually had to call to ask him if he wanted to break up with you. So basically you broke up with yourself! Of course you still want to see them and still be friends, because it’s comfortable and it’s what you know. But 9 times out of ten this will not work and will make it harder to walk away. And really, your letting them have their cake and eat it too. NO more, I want all the cake to myself!

So breaking up is just that. Break up, all over, the end of the relationship, time to move on. Embrace your singledom and what ever you do don’t go back. Like Greg Behrendt says, “if he’s breaking up with you, he’s just not that into you”. It’s that simple.

 

 

Posted in Dating, Love and Relationships on August 6th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 2 Comments

It’s Time To Go

Is there a time limit on memorabilia from former relationships? Is it ok to have keepsakes from ex partners when you’re in a new relationship? A stranger in a bar put this question to me not long ago, he was surveying people asking for their opinion on a dilemma a mate was having. This intrigued and prompted me to conduct my own survey among friends with interesting responses.

Basically his mate and girlfriend of 3 months had recently moved in together, and whilst unpacking she came across a box of letters and cards from his previous girlfriend. She was upset by this, as he is still friends with his ex, and asked him to get rid of the box. Is this unreasonable? His mates thought so and thought the girlfriend should go! A bit harsh I think, but it got me thinking what I would do.

My first thought was if he split from the ex and has moved in with the new girlfriend why is he still friends with his ex? As far as I’m concerned you can’t stay friends with an ex, not for long anyway. There is often still emotional baggage and feelings involved, and it’s just too easy to go back to something because it’s familiar but that can be a topic for another day! Secondly it really boils down to having trust in the relationship. Having only been together for 3 months you’re still in the honeymoon stage, and getting to know each other. Your learning about each others past and the fact that he has kept these personal things either means he’s sentimental or isn’t over the ex yet. I think she should give it more time and let him do it if and when he’s ready. I don’t see a problem with keepsakes but I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable with a whole box of love letters and mushy cards.

The response form my male friends was not what I expected. One said he would get rid of the box without hesitation, believing that if he cared for the new girlfriend then he shouldn’t need to keep the box. He also says he wouldn’t remain friends with the ex. Another said he “still has a whole stack of letters from my ex’s over the years and while I would consider throwing them out for the ‘right girl’; the reason I keep them is a lot less to do with them than it is to do to with me. I like to look back at who I was then and how I interacted with others over the years and compare that to who I am now”.A common response was that the new girlfriend had a lack of confidence in herself and had doubts about the boyfriend’s commitment to the relationship. Which can, as pointed out go both ways, it’s a bit of an ego thing for a man too. As my girlfriend said, when the relationship gets to the “same emotional level”, as the previous one then he will get rid of the letters because he now has the love and feeling he gets from reading the letters with his new partner.

The older more mature ladies both said they still have stuff from previous husbands and ex boyfriends. One even has letters from 40 years ago which she says are “memories both good and bad”. The other thinks he may still have feelings for the ex by keeping the box, but there has to be an “element of trust in a relationship to make it work”.

Really is it a serious relationship after only 3 months? It’s easy to think you’re in love so quickly; this is just the first test to see if it will be a lasting relationship. I guess until I’m in her shoes I’m not sure what I would do. If it happens you’ll be the first to know!

Posted in Love and Relationships on April 8th, 2008 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments