L.O.V.E

I have been dating a guy for 5 months, and I’m quite surprised at the amount of people asking if he has said the L word yet. Yep those three scary words, I love you. I just thought we would say it when the time is right. But I guess it is a big deal when you are in a new relationship. Waiting and wondering who says it first? Look at all the songs that have been written about it, “All you need is love, Love is a many Splendored thing, I was made for loving you baby, I will always love you”. The list goes on. Apparently love makes the world go round, but what exactly is love.

Dictionary.com defines love as 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 3. sexual passion or desire. But love can be so many things and it changes and grows over time. How do you know if it’s love? To me, love is such a hard thing to describe in words, as it not only involves feelings, but actions, looks and words. You can easily say I love you but do you really mean it. A male friend once asked me, how do you know when you’re in love with someone? This is a hard question to answer, as we all fall in love differently some quicker and more often than others. Just look at Brad Pitt, he had found the love of his life in Jennifer Anniston, well until Angelina came along. Turns out that SHE is the love of his life! Seriously though, my answer would be, you just know. You know by the overwhelming and happy feelings you get when you think of them or see them, by the excitement you feel when you’re around them. When the thought of losing them would crush you, and you know your life wouldn’t be complete without them in it. It’s in the way they look at you, that tingly feeling you get when they call you. How they care and stand by you through all types of highs and lows. I could have gone on but I think he got the idea. Its so many small things that make you love someone or be in love.

In a group discussion on a website I write for, which is called connect2mums, the question was asked, is there a difference between loving someone and being in love? Peace, one of the editors replied “I think love can be like a jumper sometimes. I bought a really cool knitted cream jumper once. I was all alone living in Ireland. It was beautiful when it was new, and I loved it for its newness, and because it looked great with my jeans. But as it aged I loved it more, but in a different way… I loved it for the memories, for our story together, for its warmth and I loved it for its familiarity even though by then it was completely misshapen and more grey than cream. With time it meant more to me than it had when it was brand new… Maybe love is like that too?” I couldn’t have put it better myself. Love isn’t always the same, it changes over time but it is always still there if you are truly in love.

Of course love that you have for a partner is different than what you have for family and friends. Especially because intimacy is involved, and this only makes a love stronger by having an intense physical attraction. A lot of people confuse lust with love but somewhere along the line these feelings often blend. Desiring someone and sharing passionate and intimate moments when you’re in love is different to when you’re in a casual fling. When there is emotion involved as well it is much more powerful and fulfilling. Gee I sound like such an expert! I have been in love once and I can only share my thoughts and feelings. But there is not one word that can sum it up. A friend of mine used to ask me after a date with a new man, if he made my heart smile? Corny but a good way to describe how he made me feel. Well my heart is definitely smiling now. And when the time comes to say the L word it won’t be planned or thought out, it will be natural, and that is when it’s the right time.

I’ll finish with a favourite quote, from one of my favourite people, Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. She is breaking up with someone, because she doesn’t want to settle for him when she knows it’s not real love. “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love.” It may not be perfect but when you have it, it doesn’t matter.

Posted in Love and Relationships on January 17th, 2010 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

A Tale about Bart

Firstly before you start reading this post please read the following disclaimer: this post contains frequent use of the word vagina, and many other terms for this particular area such as vajayjay, vulva and any other V words I can think of. So if the thought of this makes you squeamish or offended, then DO NOT read this blog!

Let you tell me my story. Part 1, The Diagnosis.
To cut the details short, I got a cyst in the vajayjay area, to be specific a Bartholin Cyst (lets call it Bart) which developed when the Bartholin Gland (yes ladies we have two of those), got blocked and I ended  up with a infected lump the size of a golf ball in my vulva area (got to love that word, sounds so pornographic). Try explaining this tastefully to people, especially my new boyfriend and his family whom I was on a weekend away with when this occurred. Lucky for me we were in Wine Country so I spent most of the weekend half tanked trying to block out the pain. It also meant everyone thought I was walking funny because I was drunk, not because I had what felt like a bowling ball between my legs. Ok slight exaggeration for those of you who have given birth and actually experienced this, but it hurt.

Now on to Part 2, The Hospital Visit.
I turn up to the emergency ward early in the morning after 3 days of pain, when they ask me what the problem was, I told then I felt like I was about to give birth to a giant cyst and needed it removed NOW. Of course they told me to take a seat and wait, but it wouldn’t be long. Take a seat, what the hell do they mean take a seat, I had a growth in my vagina and I could NOT SIT ( there is a lot of capital use, this is when I was yelling). About an hour later I got called in, my patient boyfriend remains in the waiting area with all the sick and injured, I decided to spare him with what was to come. A lovely nurse gets me to sit in a room when of course, in walks a young very good looking English Doctor. NO why me, why couldn’t it be someone like Quincy MD or an old kind looking female doctor. After I got over my initial panic I told him the problem and off he goes to get the nurse and a few instruments, this concerns me but I wait patiently, by this stage in agony. He arrives back with a pretty young nurse (of course) and a dolphin torch. What the! I know they are waterproof and can float but I really didn’t see the need for one at this time. They must have noticed the look of horror on my face and explained it was because the lamp was broken. Phew. Now as they start prodding around (I’m trying not to yell out by this point), they start to flirt. Yes that’s right, flirt. Batting eyelashes, giggles and British Doc discussing how in Oz we have lots of big things, such as the Big Banana, the Big Prawn. Yes this is over my vagina, I did help out and volunteer that we do indeed have a Big Pineapple, after a bit of debate, and yes you can get Pineapple on a stick but if they didn’t hurry up that stick would be appearing in a very different place. All this after it took the nurse 3 attempt’s to get the needle in to take blood.

By now I just wanted drugs, anything to numb my mind and the pain.  After waiting what seemed like hours they then informed me, yes I did need an operation to have Bart drained, but no they couldn’t do it there as they didn’t have an ob-gyn (that’s obstetrics, gynecology for those who like me were clueless) area. Too bad if you need to have a baby at that hospital. A little bit more waiting for paper work, I then had to break it to my boyfriend after 4 hours of waiting, that we had to go to another hospital 50 minutes away. Like a trooper  he didn’t complain, and off we went, him driving, as by this stage I was a little relaxed on pain killers and thinking about Pineapple on a stick. Thankfully they were expecting me at the next hospital so I only had to wait a little while, maybe Id be out of here soon. My hope faded when I saw the Doctors who told I did indeed need an operation but I would have to come back in the morning as it was too late now. Lucky for them I was a bit doped up otherwise I think I would have screamed blue murder. To make matters worse I had to fast that night and I hadn’t eaten all day, this day couldn’t get any worse.

Part Three, Hospital Number 2, The Op.
I arrive very early and ready to be knocked out as soon as possible with a general anesthetic, I don’t have to wait long, hooray I’m at the top of the list. As far as I know all goes well and I come to in the recovery room, feeling very dopey and then in enormous pain. God maybe I did give birth! Anesthetic makes me want to vomit and cry all at the same time, so when I saw my boyfriend standing there I was so relieved. Even though later when I caught a look at myself in the mirror I was horrified at how crap I looked. But of course he was smart enough to tell me I looked fine. Id had morphine, so I was feeling mighty fine, and slurred the whole way home, not really making a lot of sense. As soon as I got home I dared to have a look, the golf ball was gone and in it’s place were a few ugly stitches. We decided to look it up on the net to check out what exactly what they did down there. Not a good idea, just looking at the diagrams made me squirm and want to cross my legs. And my boyfriend was distressed to read that sex is out of the question for a least 4 weeks. Was he kidding there was nothing going anywhere near there for a very long time. At least not until I could sit down again without having to use a ring pillow. Now I just had to patiently wait for it to heal and my brain to forget the trauma Id just gone through.

I hope you enjoyed my very long story, and to all the women out there who have given birth I salute you.

Note, for very obvious reasons I have chosen not to include a visual image to head my post, thanks for your understanding.

Posted in Women's Issues on December 15th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

Lets Get Loud

Recently in the news there was a story about a British couple in court due to their noisy sex sessions. Neighbours complained the “lovemaking sounded unnatural, hysterical and like they both were in considerable pain. Well that sounds like fun. The local police received complaints from neighbours, people passing by and of course, the postman. The court banned the couple from “shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level to be a statutory nuisance”. In other words put a pillow over your head, although they apparently tried this to no avail.

Of course this intrigued me and led me to survey my very loyal followers asking whether they had been caught having sex, overheard anyone enjoying themselves too much or had complaints made against them for noisy sessions! Interesting response as always, especially from the boys who I think secretly love telling me their sordid details.

Most people have walked in on or been caught having sex, whether by a friend, relative, or even the kids (try explaining that one- Daddy why was Mummy jumping on you). A friends Grandad walked in on him and his girlfriend only to shut the door in shock then open it again for a second look. He must have forgot what sex was like! Another was going for it like rabbits with his girlfriend on a secluded island along the river, only to look up and see a ferry load of people watching their every move, so to speak. Not so secluded after all. Not only is it embarrassing being caught having sex but also involved in any type of sex act. Like a male friend caught masturbating by his Dad, who just told him to keep going and finish. Somehow I think the moment was lost. One of my female friends was caught in a very compromising position with her boyfriend by his sister. Lets just say they were in a position best described by a two digit number. Enough said.

I have lived in a lot of units and even with my In-Laws, so you learn to tone it down a bit. Although a lot of couples don’t seem to be inhibited by this. Most people said they had heard a neighbour going for it, a few banging on common walls to keep the noise down. Its just jealousy because they wish it were them, now that I think about it maybe that was just me. I have heard people having sex, a memorable one was my neighbour who yelled out in pleasure in Japanese, now that was interesting. Another friend of mine heard her now husband having sex with his now ex girlfriend, I also heard that too, we were all away together if that worries you. A few friends have been told to tone it down by their partners parents, which would have to be a very funny but horrific conversation to have. One of the worst times would have to be hearing your parents, in fact its so traumatising I dont think I can talk about it. Its not something as a child you want to imagine your parents doing.

The last story goes to my girlfriend who is never short of a tale, she nearly got sprung by her boyfriends mum in his bed so she hid in the pantry naked. Of course the Dad then went to the kitchen to get something, luckily from the fridge or he would have got a nice surprise. She also climbed out of a window, down a tree naked and was walked in on “going off  like a frog in a sock” by her Mum. Needless to say she went through a few boyfriends.

So next time your trying to enjoy the moment beware who could be listening. I would hate for you to end up in court. The moral to the story is keep practising but keep it down

Posted in Uncategorized on November 26th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

The Things We Do for Fashion!

Picture this, at the last minute you are invited to the opening night of Mamma Mia with a red carpet, after party filled with celebrities, maybe C list celebs but still exciting. Of course the first thing to go through my mind is……what will I wear!!!! Ahhhh I have no clothes, as I search frantically through my very full wardrobe for something suitable. Looks like a trip to the shops is in order to find a dress in record time. It’s a little tight but I have a body sculpting slip I can wear to hold everything in, perfect. Looked great, it was a little uncomfortable and hard to sit down in, but after a few champagnes I didn’t really notice.

Well that’s what I thought, until I woke up the following day and found my ribs had been displaced. I felt like I had been through a boxing bout that had lasted 10 rounds and I was the loser. Of course it got me thinking about the things women endure, all for the sake of fashion. Tell me a woman who hasn’t worn a pair of shoes that are too high, a dress thats too tight or worn makeup that stays on for days and resembles spak filler. So here are the most painful and uncomfortable things I think women have to endure all in the name of fashion.

First we have the Nancy Ganz, body sculpting underwear, girdles, granny or suck in undies. What ever you would like to call them, they are basically tight undergarments that hold in all the bits we don’t want to display. Supposedly they give an invisible panty line and shape and tone our bodies. First there is the waist high underwear, which is probably the most unattractive piece of lycra I own, and definitely not something you let your man see you in. The problem with this is they are so big you can’t secretly stash them in your clutch purse before he gets a glimpse. Not that I’ve ever tried to do this. Then there is the full body slip which can be with or without straps and is what I wore under my opening night dress. Not only did it take 15 minutes to get into (and we won’t even talk about getting out of it at the end of the night after a few champers) but it was skin coloured so i basically looked like a large sausage, mmm extremely attractive. Ok it held me in, but every time I sat down it pushed everything upwards so not only did I rearrange my ribcage but pushed my boobs so high up I could barely breath, or see my feet. My girlfriend who came with me had one that just covered the bust and tummy area. Every time she sat down hers rolled up so she had what looked like a spare tyre around her hips. Of course we will wear them again after seeing a photo from that night and both deciding we definitely looked slimmer!

I’ve got one word, heels. Who invented these punishing pieces, and who told women their legs look longer and sexier in them. I realised I was getting old when I went looking for a pair of heels and was astounded at how high they all are. Seriously I have watched women shuffle along because they can barely lift their feet off the ground the heel is so big. If they are strappy, by the end of the night you usually have permanent indentations in your foot. Of course if you squeeze into a heel that doesn’t quite fit you will usually end up with blisters too. They have invented all types of heel shields, party feet gel cushions, even botox for feet to help make it easier and more tolerable to wear heels all the time. But nothing will save you from the unattractive bunions, back aches and bad posture that wearing sky high heels can produce. I think I’ll stick to my flats now.

I know that bra’s are a necessity for most women (some men look like they could use them too). Could they not have been made a little more comfortable. I don’t care what anyone says, even the most expensive bra’s can be annoying. At the end of the day when you get to remove it, you can always hear the sound of relief. What about the Uber or plunge bra as it’s known, uber because it does magic things and it looks like something from outer space. Ok, it does the trick of holding the girls in place when you wear a plunging neckline, but it is so unattractive. Again there is no letting the man see this contraption.

Gee I realise my list is quite long and I have only just started. There are a few things that deserve an honourable mention. Firstly fishnet stockings, I love it when you get home after wearing these out, only to discover the holes are much bigger then at the beginning of the night. I always seem to get a hole in the crotch area too, which does not look good. They also tend to leave netting type marks on your skin, so you look like you contacted some disease while you were out. And who could forget the old Hollywood tape, used to tape you into something you really shouldn’t be wearing if it needs taping up in the first place. But we do like to be adventurous! I remember waking up with the tape stuck to my breast (it had obviously not done its job, and moved during the night) and having to rip it off. Almost like a wax strip, and it left a sticky tape mark visible on my breast for days. Again painful and attractive.

There are plenty more to mention, like bobby pins, false eyelashes, fake nails but I might save them for another time. Girls I hope at least some of you can relate to some of my list. Although I complain, I will keep on doing the things women do, all in the name of fashion.

Posted in Women's Issues on November 11th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

Is this Love?

You’re lying in bed after a romantic lovemaking session and your boyfriend breaks wind. Ok, that’s putting it nicely, he voluntarily farts very loudly with no shame or embarrassment. Surely this must be love? What are the signs that you are comfortable in a relationship? I came up with my own list of signs to show your relationship is getting into the comfortable and maybe slightly serious side.

• As I mentioned, farting in front of each other. Men find this acceptable most of the time so it’s not such a big step for them. Once they stop blaming the dog you know they’re comfortable. But for a woman to openly “let one go” in front of a man, means she is well and truly into the relationship. It also means she trusts that her partner won’t go telling all his mates how funny it was. Fart humor never ceases to amuse men.

• Other noises omitted from the body on purpose, such as burping are another sign. Once he burps loudly without excusing himself or looking sheepish, he’s getting more relaxed. If he’s up to burping the alphabet or having competitions with his mates in front of you, he’s definitely not going anywhere.

• Peeing with the door open or whilst your partner is in the shower. This one counts for both sexes, it shows you’re definitely comfortable with each other. If it’s gotten to the stage where you do number two’s whilst in each other’s company, then you should be married or investing in a second toilet!

• When you first get in a relationship, you’re trying to impress each other, dressing well, smelling nice, maintaining all your bits. You know it’s getting serious when he needs a lawn trimmer to find your private parts because you’ve neglected your waxing. If you have hairy legs that resemble a porcupine, you know you’ve definitely let yourself go, a sure sign it’s serious.

• I think underwear can define how serious you are. You’re laughing, but once you start buying his undies you have officially taken over his mother’s role, now that’s serious. For the ladies, who at first wouldn’t be seen in unmatched underwear, once the matching sets and sexy lingerie are only pulled out on special occasions it’s a sure sign she’s comfortable.

• Lastly but very importantly, you have your song. The song that defines you as a couple, when you hear it you think of when you met and how you fell in love. If your song is “Gimme Head” by the Radiators, or “2 out of 3 ain’t bad” by Meatloaf, you still have a while to go till your serious. If you have moved on to Celine Dion, “From this Moment” or Lionel and Diana’s “Endless Love”, then you know you’re there. You are well and truly smitten.

Of course saying the big “L” word to each other, is a very significant and groundbreaking moment in a relationship. But farting and peeing with the door open are more likely to happen first so be happy with the thought that you’re well and truly on your way into being “serious”.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 15th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 0 Comments

Just one word….Breasts.

Breasts according to Dictionary.com, “Either of two milk-secreting, glandular organs on the chest of a woman; the human mammary gland”. Lets talk Breasts, also known as; bosom, jugs, norgs, cans, the girls, pair, set, rack, boobs, mammaries, hooter’s and many more disturbing names I came across when researching this topic. They come in all different shapes and sizes, and men are totally fascinated in them. I decided to talk about breasts after an interesting conversation with a guy I began dating recently.

 I think I’m right to say most men are interested in women’s breasts. I have a descent size C cup cleavage so have been on the receiving end of many comments like “you’ve got a great rack or nice set”. Gee thanks, my eyes are nice too! But I do understand the male fascination; they don’t have what we have. It’s something different, something new and apparently we women don’t really have ownership of them. Let me explain when you’re young and growing up they appear and usually cause embarrassment and discomfort amongst teenage (or younger these days) girls. At that age you try your hardest to either hide them or jump for joy when you finally fit in a training bra, even if you still need to stuff a few tissues down to fill it. Once you are fully developed and the opposite sex are interested, they no longer belong to you. Men apparently take ownership of them once your dating, they have free access and fondling rights, that is until a time they are necessary for other purposes like breast-feeding. To us women they are just there, part of the body like our nose. Sometimes they get in the way especially when you’re jogging or at the gym and in danger of doing some serious damage to your face. Or when that dress you’ve had your eye on would be great if you just weren’t spilling out of it. I’ve even noticed it affects my golf game because sometimes they just get in the way, and I’m not sure where to put them, (that’s my excuse for my poor game anyway).

Ok, they can be sensitive and an extremely important part of sex and foreplay, nothing worse than having them overlooked! But what I find amusing is that men think we fondle them or play with them all day, as I discovered from the aforementioned conversation. “Don’t you like to just hold them, or touch them while you’re on the lounge?” Umm, maybe I’m speaking for myself, but no. We, unlike men are not as tactile with our bodies at inappropriate times i.e. having hands down pants whilst watching footy cupping testicles. Unless staring in a porno or in the privacy of our own bedroom we generally don’t walk around touching our boobs. Yes I use them as an asset at times, dressing and having them on display to attract attention, after all I am human and men are also very visual creatures.

But in the end they are a lump of fat on the front of a woman’s chest, one is usually bigger than the other and they can cause many a bad moment when you notice they’re heading south and  not as perky as they used to be. And no, I  don’t touch my friend’s breasts, unless of course they have implants and I’m curious. Sorry to disappoint you fella’s.

Posted in Sex and naughty stuff on September 21st, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

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