A Tale about Bart
Firstly before you start reading this post please read the following disclaimer: this post contains frequent use of the word vagina, and many other terms for this particular area such as vajayjay, vulva and any other V words I can think of. So if the thought of this makes you squeamish or offended, then DO NOT read this blog!
Let you tell me my story. Part 1, The Diagnosis.
To cut the details short, I got a cyst in the vajayjay area, to be specific a Bartholin Cyst (lets call it Bart) which developed when the Bartholin Gland (yes ladies we have two of those), got blocked and I ended up with a infected lump the size of a golf ball in my vulva area (got to love that word, sounds so pornographic). Try explaining this tastefully to people, especially my new boyfriend and his family whom I was on a weekend away with when this occurred. Lucky for me we were in Wine Country so I spent most of the weekend half tanked trying to block out the pain. It also meant everyone thought I was walking funny because I was drunk, not because I had what felt like a bowling ball between my legs. Ok slight exaggeration for those of you who have given birth and actually experienced this, but it hurt.
Now on to Part 2, The Hospital Visit.
I turn up to the emergency ward early in the morning after 3 days of pain, when they ask me what the problem was, I told then I felt like I was about to give birth to a giant cyst and needed it removed NOW. Of course they told me to take a seat and wait, but it wouldn’t be long. Take a seat, what the hell do they mean take a seat, I had a growth in my vagina and I could NOT SIT ( there is a lot of capital use, this is when I was yelling). About an hour later I got called in, my patient boyfriend remains in the waiting area with all the sick and injured, I decided to spare him with what was to come. A lovely nurse gets me to sit in a room when of course, in walks a young very good looking English Doctor. NO why me, why couldn’t it be someone like Quincy MD or an old kind looking female doctor. After I got over my initial panic I told him the problem and off he goes to get the nurse and a few instruments, this concerns me but I wait patiently, by this stage in agony. He arrives back with a pretty young nurse (of course) and a dolphin torch. What the! I know they are waterproof and can float but I really didn’t see the need for one at this time. They must have noticed the look of horror on my face and explained it was because the lamp was broken. Phew. Now as they start prodding around (I’m trying not to yell out by this point), they start to flirt. Yes that’s right, flirt. Batting eyelashes, giggles and British Doc discussing how in Oz we have lots of big things, such as the Big Banana, the Big Prawn. Yes this is over my vagina, I did help out and volunteer that we do indeed have a Big Pineapple, after a bit of debate, and yes you can get Pineapple on a stick but if they didn’t hurry up that stick would be appearing in a very different place. All this after it took the nurse 3 attempt’s to get the needle in to take blood.
By now I just wanted drugs, anything to numb my mind and the pain. After waiting what seemed like hours they then informed me, yes I did need an operation to have Bart drained, but no they couldn’t do it there as they didn’t have an ob-gyn (that’s obstetrics, gynecology for those who like me were clueless) area. Too bad if you need to have a baby at that hospital. A little bit more waiting for paper work, I then had to break it to my boyfriend after 4 hours of waiting, that we had to go to another hospital 50 minutes away. Like a trooper he didn’t complain, and off we went, him driving, as by this stage I was a little relaxed on pain killers and thinking about Pineapple on a stick. Thankfully they were expecting me at the next hospital so I only had to wait a little while, maybe Id be out of here soon. My hope faded when I saw the Doctors who told I did indeed need an operation but I would have to come back in the morning as it was too late now. Lucky for them I was a bit doped up otherwise I think I would have screamed blue murder. To make matters worse I had to fast that night and I hadn’t eaten all day, this day couldn’t get any worse.
Part Three, Hospital Number 2, The Op.
I arrive very early and ready to be knocked out as soon as possible with a general anesthetic, I don’t have to wait long, hooray I’m at the top of the list. As far as I know all goes well and I come to in the recovery room, feeling very dopey and then in enormous pain. God maybe I did give birth! Anesthetic makes me want to vomit and cry all at the same time, so when I saw my boyfriend standing there I was so relieved. Even though later when I caught a look at myself in the mirror I was horrified at how crap I looked. But of course he was smart enough to tell me I looked fine. Id had morphine, so I was feeling mighty fine, and slurred the whole way home, not really making a lot of sense. As soon as I got home I dared to have a look, the golf ball was gone and in it’s place were a few ugly stitches. We decided to look it up on the net to check out what exactly what they did down there. Not a good idea, just looking at the diagrams made me squirm and want to cross my legs. And my boyfriend was distressed to read that sex is out of the question for a least 4 weeks. Was he kidding there was nothing going anywhere near there for a very long time. At least not until I could sit down again without having to use a ring pillow. Now I just had to patiently wait for it to heal and my brain to forget the trauma Id just gone through.
I hope you enjoyed my very long story, and to all the women out there who have given birth I salute you.
Note, for very obvious reasons I have chosen not to include a visual image to head my post, thanks for your understanding.
Posted in Women's Issues on December 15th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments
on December 16th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Funny! Well for the reader not you obviously! I am not however liking the pictures in my head since I know you personally, but anyway!