Lets Get Loud

Recently in the news there was a story about a British couple in court due to their noisy sex sessions. Neighbours complained the “lovemaking sounded unnatural, hysterical and like they both were in considerable pain. Well that sounds like fun. The local police received complaints from neighbours, people passing by and of course, the postman. The court banned the couple from “shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level to be a statutory nuisance”. In other words put a pillow over your head, although they apparently tried this to no avail.

Of course this intrigued me and led me to survey my very loyal followers asking whether they had been caught having sex, overheard anyone enjoying themselves too much or had complaints made against them for noisy sessions! Interesting response as always, especially from the boys who I think secretly love telling me their sordid details.

Most people have walked in on or been caught having sex, whether by a friend, relative, or even the kids (try explaining that one- Daddy why was Mummy jumping on you). A friends Grandad walked in on him and his girlfriend only to shut the door in shock then open it again for a second look. He must have forgot what sex was like! Another was going for it like rabbits with his girlfriend on a secluded island along the river, only to look up and see a ferry load of people watching their every move, so to speak. Not so secluded after all. Not only is it embarrassing being caught having sex but also involved in any type of sex act. Like a male friend caught masturbating by his Dad, who just told him to keep going and finish. Somehow I think the moment was lost. One of my female friends was caught in a very compromising position with her boyfriend by his sister. Lets just say they were in a position best described by a two digit number. Enough said.

I have lived in a lot of units and even with my In-Laws, so you learn to tone it down a bit. Although a lot of couples don’t seem to be inhibited by this. Most people said they had heard a neighbour going for it, a few banging on common walls to keep the noise down. Its just jealousy because they wish it were them, now that I think about it maybe that was just me. I have heard people having sex, a memorable one was my neighbour who yelled out in pleasure in Japanese, now that was interesting. Another friend of mine heard her now husband having sex with his now ex girlfriend, I also heard that too, we were all away together if that worries you. A few friends have been told to tone it down by their partners parents, which would have to be a very funny but horrific conversation to have. One of the worst times would have to be hearing your parents, in fact its so traumatising I dont think I can talk about it. Its not something as a child you want to imagine your parents doing.

The last story goes to my girlfriend who is never short of a tale, she nearly got sprung by her boyfriends mum in his bed so she hid in the pantry naked. Of course the Dad then went to the kitchen to get something, luckily from the fridge or he would have got a nice surprise. She also climbed out of a window, down a tree naked and was walked in on “going off  like a frog in a sock” by her Mum. Needless to say she went through a few boyfriends.

So next time your trying to enjoy the moment beware who could be listening. I would hate for you to end up in court. The moral to the story is keep practising but keep it down

Posted in Uncategorized on November 26th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

The Things We Do for Fashion!

Picture this, at the last minute you are invited to the opening night of Mamma Mia with a red carpet, after party filled with celebrities, maybe C list celebs but still exciting. Of course the first thing to go through my mind is……what will I wear!!!! Ahhhh I have no clothes, as I search frantically through my very full wardrobe for something suitable. Looks like a trip to the shops is in order to find a dress in record time. It’s a little tight but I have a body sculpting slip I can wear to hold everything in, perfect. Looked great, it was a little uncomfortable and hard to sit down in, but after a few champagnes I didn’t really notice.

Well that’s what I thought, until I woke up the following day and found my ribs had been displaced. I felt like I had been through a boxing bout that had lasted 10 rounds and I was the loser. Of course it got me thinking about the things women endure, all for the sake of fashion. Tell me a woman who hasn’t worn a pair of shoes that are too high, a dress thats too tight or worn makeup that stays on for days and resembles spak filler. So here are the most painful and uncomfortable things I think women have to endure all in the name of fashion.

First we have the Nancy Ganz, body sculpting underwear, girdles, granny or suck in undies. What ever you would like to call them, they are basically tight undergarments that hold in all the bits we don’t want to display. Supposedly they give an invisible panty line and shape and tone our bodies. First there is the waist high underwear, which is probably the most unattractive piece of lycra I own, and definitely not something you let your man see you in. The problem with this is they are so big you can’t secretly stash them in your clutch purse before he gets a glimpse. Not that I’ve ever tried to do this. Then there is the full body slip which can be with or without straps and is what I wore under my opening night dress. Not only did it take 15 minutes to get into (and we won’t even talk about getting out of it at the end of the night after a few champers) but it was skin coloured so i basically looked like a large sausage, mmm extremely attractive. Ok it held me in, but every time I sat down it pushed everything upwards so not only did I rearrange my ribcage but pushed my boobs so high up I could barely breath, or see my feet. My girlfriend who came with me had one that just covered the bust and tummy area. Every time she sat down hers rolled up so she had what looked like a spare tyre around her hips. Of course we will wear them again after seeing a photo from that night and both deciding we definitely looked slimmer!

I’ve got one word, heels. Who invented these punishing pieces, and who told women their legs look longer and sexier in them. I realised I was getting old when I went looking for a pair of heels and was astounded at how high they all are. Seriously I have watched women shuffle along because they can barely lift their feet off the ground the heel is so big. If they are strappy, by the end of the night you usually have permanent indentations in your foot. Of course if you squeeze into a heel that doesn’t quite fit you will usually end up with blisters too. They have invented all types of heel shields, party feet gel cushions, even botox for feet to help make it easier and more tolerable to wear heels all the time. But nothing will save you from the unattractive bunions, back aches and bad posture that wearing sky high heels can produce. I think I’ll stick to my flats now.

I know that bra’s are a necessity for most women (some men look like they could use them too). Could they not have been made a little more comfortable. I don’t care what anyone says, even the most expensive bra’s can be annoying. At the end of the day when you get to remove it, you can always hear the sound of relief. What about the Uber or plunge bra as it’s known, uber because it does magic things and it looks like something from outer space. Ok, it does the trick of holding the girls in place when you wear a plunging neckline, but it is so unattractive. Again there is no letting the man see this contraption.

Gee I realise my list is quite long and I have only just started. There are a few things that deserve an honourable mention. Firstly fishnet stockings, I love it when you get home after wearing these out, only to discover the holes are much bigger then at the beginning of the night. I always seem to get a hole in the crotch area too, which does not look good. They also tend to leave netting type marks on your skin, so you look like you contacted some disease while you were out. And who could forget the old Hollywood tape, used to tape you into something you really shouldn’t be wearing if it needs taping up in the first place. But we do like to be adventurous! I remember waking up with the tape stuck to my breast (it had obviously not done its job, and moved during the night) and having to rip it off. Almost like a wax strip, and it left a sticky tape mark visible on my breast for days. Again painful and attractive.

There are plenty more to mention, like bobby pins, false eyelashes, fake nails but I might save them for another time. Girls I hope at least some of you can relate to some of my list. Although I complain, I will keep on doing the things women do, all in the name of fashion.

Posted in Women's Issues on November 11th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments