It’s Time To Go

Is there a time limit on memorabilia from former relationships? Is it ok to have keepsakes from ex partners when you’re in a new relationship? A stranger in a bar put this question to me not long ago, he was surveying people asking for their opinion on a dilemma a mate was having. This intrigued and prompted me to conduct my own survey among friends with interesting responses.

Basically his mate and girlfriend of 3 months had recently moved in together, and whilst unpacking she came across a box of letters and cards from his previous girlfriend. She was upset by this, as he is still friends with his ex, and asked him to get rid of the box. Is this unreasonable? His mates thought so and thought the girlfriend should go! A bit harsh I think, but it got me thinking what I would do.

My first thought was if he split from the ex and has moved in with the new girlfriend why is he still friends with his ex? As far as I’m concerned you can’t stay friends with an ex, not for long anyway. There is often still emotional baggage and feelings involved, and it’s just too easy to go back to something because it’s familiar but that can be a topic for another day! Secondly it really boils down to having trust in the relationship. Having only been together for 3 months you’re still in the honeymoon stage, and getting to know each other. Your learning about each others past and the fact that he has kept these personal things either means he’s sentimental or isn’t over the ex yet. I think she should give it more time and let him do it if and when he’s ready. I don’t see a problem with keepsakes but I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable with a whole box of love letters and mushy cards.

The response form my male friends was not what I expected. One said he would get rid of the box without hesitation, believing that if he cared for the new girlfriend then he shouldn’t need to keep the box. He also says he wouldn’t remain friends with the ex. Another said he “still has a whole stack of letters from my ex’s over the years and while I would consider throwing them out for the ‘right girl’; the reason I keep them is a lot less to do with them than it is to do to with me. I like to look back at who I was then and how I interacted with others over the years and compare that to who I am now”.A common response was that the new girlfriend had a lack of confidence in herself and had doubts about the boyfriend’s commitment to the relationship. Which can, as pointed out go both ways, it’s a bit of an ego thing for a man too. As my girlfriend said, when the relationship gets to the “same emotional level”, as the previous one then he will get rid of the letters because he now has the love and feeling he gets from reading the letters with his new partner.

The older more mature ladies both said they still have stuff from previous husbands and ex boyfriends. One even has letters from 40 years ago which she says are “memories both good and bad”. The other thinks he may still have feelings for the ex by keeping the box, but there has to be an “element of trust in a relationship to make it work”.

Really is it a serious relationship after only 3 months? It’s easy to think you’re in love so quickly; this is just the first test to see if it will be a lasting relationship. I guess until I’m in her shoes I’m not sure what I would do. If it happens you’ll be the first to know!

Posted in Love and Relationships on April 8th, 2008 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments