The Ex Files

Carrie: “Later that night I got to thinking about the x-factor. In mathematics, we learn that x stands for the unknown, a+b=x, but what’s really unknown is what plus what equals friendship with an x. Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn’t help but wonder… can you be friends with an x?”

So what about the boyfriend who broke your heart. You thought he was the one, problem is he didn’t. It is hard to let go, deep down you hope he will call and say he wants you back, that he made a mistake. Or he says that you can still be friends. What you have to remember is that there is a reason you broke up in the first place. In your mind you forget all the bad things, you almost glorify your ex. “It’s Called a Break up because it’s Broken” says, “as much as it sucks, you need to force yourself to remember your worst times together, his most irritating habits, and the hard truth that not only can he live without you, but that he’d rather.” Ouch! So true, when you think about it you remember things, like the fact that he didn’t come to your birthday because he was hungover, he only wanted to see you maximum of twice a week and you really only liked him when he drunk anyway. Or that you actually had to call to ask him if he wanted to break up with you. So basically you broke up with yourself! Of course you still want to see them and still be friends, because it’s comfortable and it’s what you know. But 9 times out of ten this will not work and will make it harder to walk away. And really, your letting them have their cake and eat it too. NO more, I want all the cake to myself!

So breaking up is just that. Break up, all over, the end of the relationship, time to move on. Embrace your singledom and what ever you do don’t go back. Like Greg Behrendt says, “if he’s breaking up with you, he’s just not that into you”. It’s that simple.

 

 

Posted in Dating, Love and Relationships on August 6th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 2 Comments

First Date Survival

First dates are very daunting, especially if they are a blind date. Most people have been on a disastrous date, a good date and others, full of surprises. You always hope this could be the one or at least someone worth seeing again. There are so many do’s and dont’s for first dates. Everyone is the expert, giving free advice even though they haven’t been on a date for 10 years. I recently had a first date which was, well lets say up there with my top 10 bad dates. I thought I’d share with you some rules I have read about and some I have come up with myself on how to survive a first date.

Keep a little bit of mystery
Don’t give too much away, a first date should be about getting to know each other without revealing too much. I think you should learn the basics, like where he lives, works, what he likes to do in his spare time. Not how much money he earns, if he owns a house, or if he’s circumcised. Although these may be things you want to find out, all in good time. In my date this week, within 10 minutes I learnt my date hadn’t had his license for 9 years, liked cage fighting, owned a boat, and earned “lots of money” doing shift work. He kind of lost me at hello. I like to think I’m not superficial, as long as they have a good job, live somewhere that doesn’t resemble a dump, have nice teeth (sorry but can’t handle gross teeth) then that’s a start. On a first date I want to establish if there is chemistry, then if they are polite, funny and have good values. I also want them to ask a little about me, an hour into the above date I still don’t think he had actually asked anything about me. Not off to a good start.

No ex or marriage talk
It’s hard because you go into the date secretly hoping he’s the father of your children or at least your future husband. But forget the checklist, stop wondering “could he by my next husband”, and take it for what it is, a first date. Mentioning ex boyfriends or ex husbands is not a great way to make an impression. Even if your last boyfriend dumped you via text and was a complete bastard try not to show any bitterness. This will turn them off and they may think you will turn out to be a bunny boiler (a la Fatal Attraction). An example of this was when the aforementioned date told me how his ex moved out when he was on a 3 day bender with the blokes from his footy team. This is something not to say on a first date.

Don’t drink and date
One of my rules is to not get drunk on a first date. I nearly always meet in the afternoon for coffee, that way if you hit it off you can follow this up with dinner. If not and you need an escape it’s easier to leave and say you have plans for the evening. I used to go to pubs on a lot of my blind dates, yes alcohol relaxes you and makes it easier to talk openly, but if you end up dancing on a table at the end of the date this is not such a good thing. It also means you may have on your beer goggles and people are not what they seem. What may be funny after a few chardys, the next day will mortify you. There would be nothing worse than a date slurring their words and tripping over to go to the bathroom. And of course it could end with you taking them home, having a drunken one-night stand and ruining any chances of a potential relationship. Although stranger things have happened! Which leads me to my next point.

What do I wear ???
This is one of the hardest decisions to make for a woman about to go on a first date. You want to make a good impression, but not too sexy or showing too much cleavage. You don’t want your cleavage to be the focal point, we all know men are visual creatures and can’t help themselves. This doesn’t mean you have to dress like a nun. Take pride in your appearance, don’t wear too much makeup, men tend to like the natural look. I have a trusty LBD (little black dress for you men reading) that I like to wear. It’s comfortable, compliments my curves and shows just enough cleavage without revealing all. I think as long as your neat and not looking like you just stepped of a corner in the red light district, then men will be impressed. As for men, neat and tidy is good, don’t turn up in stubbies and thongs and you should be safe. And by the way, ponytails are out as are silk shirts. So eighties!

Keep your legs closed
You may laugh but I think going home with a man on the first date does not really set a good impression. Ok I learnt this from experience. You don’t want them to think you’re cheap and easy. Even though you may be really attracted to them, it’s good to keep them waiting. Etiquette expert June Dally-Watkins says, “don’t dare invite them home, absolutely not! Have regard for yourself and don’t share yourself around. A kiss on the cheek at the end of the night is probably sufficient”. When she puts it that way it makes sense. I had a date once, where after coffee we went to a pub for a beer. Things seemed to be going well until he slid his hand onto my thigh. I’m not sure what gave him the idea that this was appropriate but that ended that date rather quickly. So as my friends always tell me before a date, keep your legs closed.

It’s all experience
In the end no date is going to be perfect, you’re both nervous and may say or do silly things. You just have to get the idea of finding Mr. Perfect out of your head and give them a fair go. And if it is terrible, it’s something to share with friends and for me, something to write about!

Happy Dating

Posted in Dating on June 27th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 0 Comments

Where have all the good men gone?

 

“Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?….. I need a hero, I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night”. Who can forget Bonnie Tyler belting out this song, and the film clip above from one of my favorite movies Footloose. The thing is I don’t really need a hero or a god just a descent man will do!

Women always ask me, “Where do you go to meet descent single men?” I’m probably not the best person to ask this, as I haven’t found one yet. Well that’s a bit harsh; there are nice men out there I just haven’t found my match. I am getting frustrated trying to find someone who wants to be in a relationship. I don’t know how many times I hear, ”I’m just not ready for a girlfriend, but we can be friends”. Oh yeah with benefits! That’s just having your cake and eating it to. Damned if I’m being the cake anymore. It’s just an excuse, it’s not that he doesn’t want a girlfriend it’s that he just doesn’t want you, it’s as simple as that. I don’t want someone who’s not that into me, but am I being unrealistic? Is there going to be a white knight on a fiery steed? Or will I be sitting at home in my pj’s doing a Bridget Jones singing “All by myself” into a hairbrush. No way, I’m going to keep going out and trying different and new ways to meet men.

I have read many articles giving suggestions of places for single people to meet. Here are a few examples:

- Online dating, of course if you have read my other blogs you already know my track record is not good, but I won’t give up …yet.
- Speed Dating. I haven’t tried it yet; it kind of scares me, because what if no one picks me! That’s a waste of $50.
- Singles Parties, plenty of companies put on singles nights, especially all the online websites. I will put my name down for one now and get back to you about how it goes.
- Work, unfortunately I work in a female orientated industry, childcare. So unless I want to hook up with one of the Dad’s (single of course) or tradies who regularly visit, there’s not much potential here.
- A few interesting ones like, Circus School, cooking classes, fitness groups and ocean swims. Mmmm maybe a little too adventurous for me.

So the dodgy dark nightclub is not the best place to meet someone apparently. If only I knew 4 years ago! I think it’s time to move on, to find my hero elsewhere.

Posted in Dating, Video on May 5th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 1 Comments

Things You Can Do Now That Your Single.

I recently bought a book “Things to do now that you’re single…again”; full of inspiring quotes, ideas for new activities to do, places to go, ways to spoil yourself. As I looked through, it made me think about what I had done since I’d been single, the last 4 years. What effort had I put in to meeting new people? Especially men, had I challenged myself, or done anything which takes me out of my comfort zone, the one you tend to get in when your single. So I decided to share with you my challenges, triumphs and really lame attempts at trying new things. Well some of them were good while they lasted.

• One of the first things I did in order to meet men was take golf lessons; I figure this is a male dominated sport, so a great way to meet men. My class was made up of retired married women, lovely ladies but obviously they’re there for different reasons. And then I discovered that most men play golf to get away from their partners and wife’s. I also discovered I’m really not very good at golf.
• Two girlfriends and I took a single girl’s holiday to a tropical Island in the north of Australia. We chose what we thought was a singles island only to learn on arrival that it had changed hands and now catered for families. Ok so it was relaxing and we took a romantic sunset cruise just the 3 of us and 6 other couples looking into each other’s eyes all night. Romance! Needless to say we drank far too many champers and had to be carried off the boat. At least we got to see a pod of whales. We also got lost when we decided to circumnavigate the island, and unfortunately there were no big strong male rescuers. We just had to walk for hours in the hot sun, trekking over mountains till we found our way home. Believe me I’m not exaggerating! I hate bushwalking there is nothing serene about it.
• I also took dance lessons twice. The first time the class was full of all women, so it was fun but not great for meeting guys. So I decided to try rock and roll, as it was partner dancing. A male friend of mine wanted to do it too, so we went together. Basically the class was again all couples and everyone thought we were a couple anyway. There goes that idea. Next I’m trying Salsa, alone.I joined a ladies gym, which I attend 3 times a week. Why a ladies gym? I really don’t like the idea of going to gym classes to meet men looking sweaty and disheveled, with every part of my body flopping around for all to see. This wasn’t about meeting men obviously but doing something for myself. It makes me feel better, look better (sometimes), and often takes you away from day to day life even if only for 30 minutes.
• I started a new job, leaving behind a great job but one I felt I’d grown out of. I stayed in the same industry but took a more challenging and rewarding job. I also got a pay rise, which is even better!
• I’ve written a few times about Internet dating, I have tried this twice. It can be very daunting and stressful at times. Especially when your talking to a few guys at once and you get them mixed up. And blind dates, well they never get easier unless you have a bottle or two of wine before you go. But I persevere because one day I might just meet the right one. And it can be amusing at times; did I tell you the one about the guy whose scalp was peeling? Maybe some other time.
• And of course I started my own blog. I had stories to tell, I wanted to share my experiences with others so all the single people knew they weren’t alone. And that it’s not all bad being single. As I wrote this I discovered I had tried new things. Met many new people and enjoyed myself doing so. And I realise I have more to do so I better get cracking.

As Eva Gizowska (author of above book) said, “You don’t know how long you will be single, so make the most of it while you can! This is your chance to grab every opportunity that comes your way and get the life you want”. Whether it involves traveling, getting a new job, or taking golf lessons! There is no one to stop you from pursuing your dreams, so go out and do it, before you fall in love again.

Posted in Dating, Life on February 4th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 0 Comments

Do Blonde’s Have More Fun?

Lets start with moi. Dark hair closer to black than brunette, although after not seeing my real hair colour for over 10 years I’m not really sure what it is. As I’ve said before I’m an average size 14 with a few extra kegs from Christmas, decent sized C cup bust with good cleavage or so I’ve been told, (by females too), seriously! I can go quite olive and have blue eyes. Sounds like my online dating profile! Then on the other hand we have one of my closest girlfriends, my party buddy who is also single and gorgeous. Most friends would say we have similar attributes just on opposite ends of the scale. She is similar in height, about a size 12, with DD bust, blue eyes and fair skin. And lastly but most importantly she is Blonde.

Now don’t get me wrong I have nothing against blondes I spent the first 20 or so years of my life as a blonde (my idol being Marilyn Monroe), natural then straight from a bottle. But what I do believe is that a lot of men, (in my opinion of course) are initially attracted to the whole blonde haired blue eyed stereotype. Men are visual creatures after all, this is a proven fact just read Cleo magazine. We have been on the singles scene together for a number of years and I have watched, usually from the sidelines, men continually approaching her when we are out together. Not that we are in competition, thank goodness we have complete opposite taste in men! But I have pointed this out to her and told her I think it’s cause she’s blonde that initially attracts men to her. The boobs help too!!

So we decided to do a little experiment. We both filled out a profile for an online dating service. Fairly similar profiles with a recent photo. They went online at the same time, and I bet her that she would have more contact overnight than me. Of course I was right she had 24 contacts from men of various ages and ethnicities. Me? Well I at least thought I’d have a couple, but no. I had none, nada, zilch. I’m not saying it’s because she had blonde hair, but I wonder if I wore a blonde wig if it would change the response. I may have to give that a go! I have since received contact from numerous men, my first date stood me up. But thats a story for another time. It still partly proved my point.

I realise I shouldn’t judge all men as being superficial, fickle and only interested in looks. So I surveyed my faithful group of male friends aged from 21 to 43. Firstly do they prefer Blondes or Brunettes, and secondly, does hair colour influence who they ask out. I must say I was put in my place and also happily surprised. The majority of them said hair colour didn’t matter, one saying, “initial attraction is not only the body but, face and attitude, if they look stuck up and unapproachable then I’ll keep looking for the girl smiling and having fun”. Great well thats me! A couple liked the Blondes but their wifes are blonde so they are probably playing it safe. I love that one guy said that there are two ways to look at it, if just ogling women then, “Blonde or Brunette? No preference. There are so many other more important things when purely ogling women that make them attractive”. Funny but so true. And if looking for a relationship then, “there has to be a spark of chemistry there between us or I’m not interested. Looks are number 30 in a list of what my soul mate must have”. And he fell in love with a girl online without even seeing a picture of her, and they are now happily married.

So I’m going to put my faith in my male friends and believe that I’m not disadvantaged by having dark hair when it comes to attracting men. My bubbly personality and brilliant smile should be enough! Oh and lets not forget my sense of humour and great cleavage. Gee what am I worried about I’m pretty much the perfect package, if they tell me next that big butts are in then I’m going to be surrounded by a bevy of men. LOL.

Posted in Dating on January 14th, 2009 by Blog Admin | | 2 Comments

Keeping up Appearances

Recently looking at a photo of a man or should I say gorilla, I commented to a friend that I wouldn’t go out with him because he was too hairy. And I’m talking all over head to toe black hair. My friend very politely commented that sometimes “beggars can’t be choosers”! Was I being unfair? Are looks the most important thing when looking at potential partners?

Well firstly I do think beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what I find attractive may differ from the next woman. I have a thing for curly hair, nice teeth and the ability to hold a conversation with me. My girlfriend on the other hand only dates guys built like a mack truck, no conversation necessary. And lets face it we aren’t all Megan Gale and Johnny Depp lookalikes (two of my fantasy people}.  According to a study called Real People, Real Answers, 91% of women believe a man’s attitude is more important than his looks. This is not giving men permission to stop shaving, wear thongs with socks or let go of that slow developing beer belly! Women still want the whole package which includes a man who dresses well, is well groomed and can hold a conversation, amongst other things. As I’ve said before being a good kisser is way up there on my list of requirements!

So what do men look for in women? According to the survey 63% of men prefer women with curves. Hallelujah! So I can stop eating lettuce and pounding the pavement for hours on end {as if!}. But it’s good to know we don’t all have to be a thin leggy blond with big boobs, great smile, long legs, and the list goes on. Men would definately look at a woman like this if she walked past but wouldn’t necessarily want to seriously date her . I have asked a few male friends if they agree with this. They all agreed it would be great to date a stunner for a while but they would end up feeling jealous of other guys gawking. And would be more comfortable with someone with a comparable level of attractivness. In other words not better looking than them!

So while looks are important, they soon fade. If I’ve been on a blind date, I always rate them on whether I wanted to jump across the table and pash them. This is more to do with their personality than their looks. I always say a man can be attractive unll he opens his mouth. Arrogance and stupidity the biggest turn offs. As I’m sure are women who are more in love with themselves and the mirror.

So when finding love it’s not all about looks but I’m sticking to my no extra hairy men requirement. Although with the waxing available these days…..

Posted in Dating, Love and Relationships on November 20th, 2008 by Blog Admin | | 2 Comments

Next Page »